Don't Panic. Don't Call From the Red Bridge Phone.
westchestermagazine.com, November 19, 2012
By Julia Sexton
Just to be clear: this was a WHILE ago. I no longer wet brine my turkey—does anyone?
I wrote this weekly food blog for six years, from 2008-2014. In 2009, I won a prestigious CRMA (City and Regional Magazine Association) award for Best Blog, beating out runners up in all subjects from big city magazines—Boston Magazine, The Washingtonian, Chicago Magazine, etc. The judges wrote that my blog, "won us over with its big personality, breezy conversational tone and wonderful insider detail—the kind that makes the reader feel like an in-the-know foodie. Julia Sexton gave us a terrific behind-the-scenes look at restaurant kitchens and their complicated relationship with health codes ... And she served up a detailed, name-dropping review of a new restaurant. Thoroughly satisfying and fun." My editors were thrilled—this was a major win for WM.
So, here it is, just November 15 and I’ve already had to talk two friends down from the ledge. Why? It turns out they were losing their minds over having to cook Thanksgiving dinner. People! Get a hold of yourselves! This meal was cooked by your grannies, who were just little old ladies in crossover aprons and comfortable shoes. These grannies cooked without reliable ovens, microwaves, or even orange-flamed Kitchen Aid mixers—and, let’s just pause and think about their kitchens. Ten bucks, your granny had a tiny Formica counter, and there are you are, all bitching and moaning, as you belly up to an ocean of granite. Okay? And, let’s look at that Thanksgiving meal. It’s all about boiling or roasting stuff then plopping it into serving dishes and calling it a day. On Thanksgiving, no one is asking you to pan-sear 15 servings of foie gras, flicking it with its own fat until it’s perfectly rare, as you simultaneously whip up 15 sauces. In cooking, as far as challenges go, Thanksgiving Dinner is a snap.
So, sit down, take a few breaths and, sure, pour yourself that glass of wine.
The sad thing is that, right now, there are several manned Thanksgiving hotlines for feast-related emergencies. I just imagine apron-wearing spoon-holders, all over America, standing in the middle of bridges and reaching out via red phone. Am I the only one who obsesses about the red bridge phone?
I’m just saying, don’t find yourself on November 22 in the middle of the Tappan Zee, grease-spattered and crying on the red bridge phone. Here are EDP’s tips for a sane and delicious Thanksgiving.
• Don’t buy a massive turkey. Giant turkeys are likelier to be dried out before they’re fully cooked. Remember: there is a lot of other, way more delicious food at this meal. The bird is sort of like a mahogany-breasted figurehead that people ooh and aah over for a couple of minutes (then, a few days later, it’s the first thing to hit the trash).
• Try to buy a fresh (rather than frozen) turkey because ice crystals damage the cell walls of meat. That pinkish, icy poultry slurry that drains from a defrosting turkey would probably be more attractive if left inside the bird. Just sayin’.
• Brine your turkey overnight on the day before Thanksgiving. Now, you can get fancy here or you can go simple, but you need to do it. So just suck it up.
• Salt and butter are your friends. Don’t listen to your stupid doctor.
• When you buy your turkey (or better yet, a week or two before), snag two or three extra turkey wings and make a turkey stock. Use this for your gravy and to moisten your stuffing.
• The power position in the Thanksgiving meal is stuffing and gravy. Go all out to make these things excellent. Remember: no one ever won glory with string beans amandine.
• Don’t cook your stuffing inside the bird. By the time your stuffing is hot (and safe from that unwelcome holiday guest, salmonella), your turkey breast has the mouthfeel of sawdust.
• Make your gravy ahead because smart people plan to be well buzzed by gravy-making time.
• Tunes. Look, you’re cooking, so you get to choose the playlist. Think of cooking Thanksgiving dinner as an opportunity to listen to your favorite music, even Patsy Cline, really loud, and screw everyone else.
• Roast everything, and I mean everything: Brussels sprouts, butternut squash, yams, turnips, parsnips—the whole deal. Toss them with olive oil, salt and pepper—and don’t stint with seasoning. Let them get good and caramelized in a 400°F to 450°F oven.
• Brussels sprouts and bacon are a marriage made in heaven—it’s a good idea to allow them to hook up during this meal.
• No one who can legally vote should ever be served marshmallows at a dinner table. End of story.
• Cornbread is easier and faster to make than risen yeast bread, and, when it’s baked in a cast-iron skillet greased with bacon fat, it’s pretty damn amazing.
• Mashed potatoes are the Thanksgiving common denominator. Don’t stint on salt, cream, and butter. I’m telling you, that doctor of yours is a jerk.
• Take pleasure in the process. Stop and enjoy the flatulent sound of the jellied cranberry sauce as it slides from the can.
• For the actual, non-jellied cranberry sauce that people have the nerve to serve themselves, don’t use more than one bag of cranberries. Diners only take a teaspoon of the stuff, and you usually wind up scraping that off their plates anyway.
• For dessert, just remember that those tiered cake stands are just stripper poles for bakers. Come dessert time, your overstuffed audience is just looking for an excuse to barf, so keep the selection and serving size of desserts both pretty and small.
Feel any better? I knew that you would. And if you find yourself freaking out on Turkey Day, just pour yourself a drink and drop me an email on the Eaterline jsextoneater@gmail.com. We’ll sit, we’ll drink, and we’ll work through this thing together.
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